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Coping With The Loss of Your Pet Am I crazy to hurt so much? Intense grief over the loss of a pet is normal and natural. Don't let anyone tell you that it's silly, crazy or overly sentimental to grieve! People who don't understand the pet owner bond may not understand your pain. But remember, you are not alone: Thousands of pet owners have gone through the same feelings. What can I expect to feel? Different people experience grief in different ways. Besides your sorrow and loss, you may also experience the following emotions: Guilt may occur if you feel responsible for your pet's death - the "if only I had been more careful" syndrome. It is pointless and often erroneous to burden yourself with guilt for the accident or illness that claimed your pet's life, and only makes it more difficult to resolve your grief. Anger may be directed at the illness that killed your pet- the driver of the speeding car, the veterinarian who "failed" to save its life. Sometimes it is justified, but when carried to extremes, it distracts you from the important task of resolving your grief. What can I do about my feelings? The most important step you can take is to be honest about your feelings. Don't deny your pain or your feelings of anger and guilt. Locking away grief doesn't make it go away. Express it. Don't try to avoid grief by not thinking about your pet, instead, reminisce about the good times. This will help you understand what your pet's loss means to you. Who can I talk to? If your family or friends love pets, they'll understand what you're going through. Don't hide your feelings in a misguided effort to appear strong and calm! If you don't have family or friends who understand, turn to a pet loss counselor or support group. Remember, your grief is genuine and deserving of support. When is the right time to euthanize a pet? Your veterinarian is the best judge of your pet's physical condition; however, you are the best judge of the quality of your pet's daily life. If a pet has a good appetite, responds to attention, seeks its owner's company, and participates in play or family life, many owners feel that this is not the time. However, if a pet is in constant pain, undergoing difficult and stressful treatments that aren't helping greatly, is unresponsive to affection, unaware of its surroundings, and disinterested in life, a caring pet owner will probably choose to end the beloved companion's suffering. Evaluate your pet's health honestly and unselfishly with your veterinarian. Prolonging a pet's suffering in order to prevent your own, ultimately helps neither of you. Nothing can make this decision an easy or painless one, but it is truly the final act of love that you can show your pet. Should I stay during euthanasia? Many feel this is the ultimate gesture of love and comfort you can offer your pet. Some feel relief and comfort them-selves by staying: They were able to see that their pet passed peacefully and without pain, and that it was truly gone. For many, not witnessing the death (and not seeing the body) makes it more difficult to accept that the pet is really gone. However this can be traumatic, and you must ask yourself honestly whether you will be able to handle it. Uncontrolled emotions and tears - though natural - are likely to upset your pet. What do I do next? When a pet dies, you must choose how to handle its remains. Sometimes, in the midst of grief, it may seem easiest to leave the pet at the clinic for disposal. Check with your clinic to find out whether there is a fee for such disposal. If you prefer a more formal option, several are available. Home burial is a popular choice, if you have sufficient property for it. It is economical and enables you to design your own funeral ceremony at little cost. However, this is not a good choice for renters or people who move frequently. To many, a pet cemetery provides a sense of dignity, security, and permanence. Owners appreciate the serene surroundings and care of the gravesite. Cremation is a less expensive option that allows you to handle your pet's remains in a variety of ways: bury them, scatter them in a favorite location, place them in a columbarium, or even keep them with you in a decorative urn (of which a wide variety are available). Consider your living situation, personal and religious values, finances, and future plans when making your decision. It is also wise to make such plans in advance, rather than hurriedly in the midst of grief. What should I tell my children? You are the best judge of how much information your children can handle about death and the loss of their pet. Don't underestimate them, however. Honesty is important. If you say the pet was "put to sleep," make sure your children understand the difference between death and ordinary sleep. Never say the pet "went away," or your child may wonder what he or she did to make it leave, and wait in anguish for its return. Never assume a child is too young or too old to grieve. Never criticize a child for tears, or tell them to "be strong" or not to feel sad. Be honest about your own sorrow; don't try to hide it, or children may feel required to hide their grief as well. Will my other pets grieve? Pets observe every change in a household, and are bound to notice the absence of a companion. Pets often form strong attachments to one another, and the survivor of such a pair may seem to grieve for its companion. Cats grieve for dogs, and dogs for cats. You may need to give your surviving pets a lot of extra attention and love to help them through this period. Meanwhile, the love of your surviving pets can be wonderfully healing for your own grief. Should I get a new pet right away? Generally, the answer is no. One needs time to work through grief and loss before attempting to build a relationship with a new pet. If your emotions are still in turmoil, you may resent a new pet for trying to "take the place" of the old - for what you really want is your old pet back. Children in particular may feel that loving a new pet is "disloyal" to the previous pet. When you do get a new pet, avoid getting a "look alike" pet, which makes comparisons all the more likely. Don't expect your new pet to be "just like" the one you lost, but allow it to develop its own personality. Never give a new pet the same name or nickname as the old. A new pet should be acquired because you are ready to move forward and build a new relationship rather than looking backward and mourning your loss. When you are ready, select an animal with whom you can build another long, loving relationship - because this is what having a pet is all about. If you'd like more information about coping with pet loss, you'll find it in Moira Anderson's book "Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet," available for $10.95 plus $2 s/h ($3.50 for priority shipping) from: Peregrine Press, 4714 Lakemont Dr. SE., Olympia, WA 98513, (360) 923-1110 RETURN |
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